Although the cannabis industry doesn’t seem to agree on when or if federal marijuana legalization will happen soon, the Democratic-controlled Congress plans to push a liberal pot policy later this year.
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer says he wants to pass a comprehensive cannabis reform bill that allows small businesses to flourish nationwide while also preventing the deep-pocket scourge of Big Tobacco and Big Alcohol from swooping in and taking over.
One way or another, though, the legalization of marijuana at the federal level will change things for an industry that presently operates only under the rules and regulations set out by their respective states. It means we could see a time in coming years when cannabis is under the thumb of our good ol’ Uncle Sam, forced to obey stricter guidelines, the same as other legal substances.
There is little doubt this will bring the advent of federal warning labels on cannabis products. You know the ones:
SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: Smoking Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, and May Complicate Pregnancy.
GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.
These warning labels are the federal government’s feeble attempt to caution consumers on the potential hazards of using these products. Some studies show that warning labels do dissuade use to some degree, yet hundreds of thousands of people across the nation still fall ill or dead from alcohol and tobacco every year. Although advocates swear that weed is safer than those products, cannabis won’t be an exception. Federal health agencies are destined to get serious about printing warning labels on cannabis smokes and edibles once weed is as legal as booze and cigarettes.
Presumably, a nation of pot smokers can expect weed warnings to sound something like this:
WARNING: Smoking Cannabis May Cause Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, And Complicate Pregnancy. Cannabis products of any kind impair your ability to drive a car or operate machinery.
But what if the average stoner was hired to write these labels? What would they look like then? Fresh Toast readers chimed in to provide us with the Surgeon General warnings the nation would undoubtedly see if cannabis consumers were responsible for their creation. We were quite amused.
These are some of our favorites.
WARNING: Cannabis may cause the munchies. Don’t be surprised to find yourself in the kitchen at one in the morning mixing up all sorts of bizarre concoctions (Ramen Wrapped Hot Dogs, SpaghettiOs Pizza, Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwich) with whatever leftovers you have in the refrigerator.
WARNING: Cannabis may cause expanding waistlines. The Surgeon General cautions that while studies show stoners may opt for healthier food choices to tame the munchies, most will still order pizza and tacos later when they realize that turkey sandwich, an apple, three oranges and a pound of grapes didn’t cut it.
WARNING: Cannabis may lead to pregnancy. Le RAWR!
WARNING: Cannabis may cause… Ah, just forget it, man. Look at the pretty lights.
WARNING: Cannabis may cause forgetfulness. Wait, what was I supposed to be writing?
WARNING: Cannabis may cause paranoia. Don’t look out the window. Seriously, just don’t!
WARNING: Cannabis may cause you to misplace stuff. Things like your keys, wallet, phone, children and home may be invisible one second and reappear the next. Don’t ask us how this happens.
WARNING: Cannabis may cause arrest in states that haven’t legalized it. So, find a good place to hide your weed when traveling. No, not there, you dummy. That’s the first place they’ll look. Not there either!
WARNING: Cannabis may cause you to hear voices. Like the nagging one inside your head right now as you read this warning label high. What are you really doing with your life? Is this the best you can do? Why did you even get up this morning? Get it together, man, or else. – Uncle Sam.
No doubt, life in these strange times would be so much better with y’all running the show.