I once tried to imagine my life with anorexia in 5/10 years time. 8 years later and I remain trapped in the same vicious cycle. Stuck on a hamster wheel, I have gone nowhere the past few years. I couldn’t have imagined this would become my life. I always thought I’d have life figured out by now. Clearly not.
Friends have passed away from this torturous illness, yet I cling to it’s safety like it’s the only thing keeping me alive. Perhaps it is. Yet it’s slowly destroying me simultaneously.
Family beg me to get better. Only, now I am trapped behind anorexia’s glass, too far from them to hear me, while reality so easily distorts. I want to listen to those around me, see what they see, but their sky is blue, yet all I see is grey.
I want to get well. I’m just too afraid to actually do it.
Professionals are putting all their resources into me in a last ditch attempt to help me, but the pressure to succeed is overwhelming. What ifs circulate my mind.
I am torn, lost and afraid.