Once again I find my mind filled with too many thoughts. Trapped in a prison, I’m not too sure of my crime. Dignity and control are a few of the things that are stripped away and quickly my mask that everything is ok is slipping.
I’m exhausted and ever so sad, lost in the system and a world I should never been a part of.
It’s difficult not to be self-pitying when you are forced to stare your biggest nightmares square on in the face. Being forced to a body you’re unfamiliar with is terrifying, especially when it was once used to be mocked, shamed and hurt. I just want to rid the very essence of the past, yet that is deemed wrong by society.
I know I can always just lose the weight I’ve gained but the very thought of getting there in the first place terrifies me to the core. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. Why can’t they just leave me be?
Another NG process is set to happen tomorrow or Tuesday and safe to say I’m a little apprehensive. I don’t want to remember things from the past or have people pinning me down, yet alone having a high amount of calories forced into my body. Not to mention the fact that if it goes wrong again, I’ll be transferred. I’m not going to another unit at this weight! I should have been discharged in January!
Although, a transfer would mean I’d be closer to my beloved dad, meaning he wouldn’t have to travel so far which I know he’s struggling with. Only, I know the staff here and trust my therapist. I don’t know what to do. I wish they’d just let me go.