I am not ok. My consultant is considering changing the goal posts yet again. He wants to be “more ambitious” with me and push me to a healthier weight. I can’t do this.

I feel like I have no control over my body again. Nothing about this is ok. I don’t feel safe. I just want to leave.

I feel physically sick. Nausea churning in my stomach as the panic washes over me in waves. They say anxiety has a curve. It doesn’t, at least not for me. I’ve literally made myself ill from all this anxiety.

The small plus from todays ward round is that I can have overnight leave next week Friday until the following Monday, I can merge my 2 walks into 1x 30 minute one so I can go into the nearby town for a much- needed pepsi max and have day leave this Saturday and afternoon leave on Sunday.

After the meeting, one of the HCAs expressed her own concerns about pushing me much more. The consultant agreed to take it into consideration but we’ll see. They may want me to compromise but I’m just not willing to do that. I’ve pushed myself as far as I can tolerate. It’s time for me to go.

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