Each time I eat I feel anxious. A wave of guilt washes over me as the whole concept of eating still feels wrong, unnecessary, forced. That feeling full sensation is almost as bad. I feel itchy, contaminated, dirty.
I don’t know why it feels so bad, it just does.
I thought it was to feel in control, maybe an act of rebellion or because I simply believed I deserved not to eat enough. I thought if I wasn’t enough as a person, how could I feed myself as though I were?
I wonder if now, I want to slow time down, fearful of wanting to be a mother, to be in a relationship or the expectations that come with it all. Perhaps I’m fearful of failing. My ED helped me grow up, become independent. I liked being a young adult. Old enough to have responsibility, young enough to get away with mistakes. That’s not the case anymore and life feels like it’s moving too fast, time is running out. I’m not where I should be.
Yet, I’m failing because of my ED. It makes no logical sense and I can’t seem to pinpoint why I seem to cling on to the ED as though I need it to survive.