Part of the thrill of a first hookup with someone is giving your friends all the juicy details afterwards. But is it fair or right or a good idea to share actual d*ck deets? Emily Post didn’t exactly weigh in on this topic, so we’re left to our own devices. While there isn’t a clear right and wrong answer to this question, there are both ethical and practical things you should think about as you ponder what’s right for you.
Most people probably wouldn’t object to someone painting an extremely flattering portrait of them behind their backs (though some people may not be comfortable with details about their body being shared either way). So if you really want to share but aren’t sure how the other person would feel about it, consider erring on the side of the positive. Or just keep it very general and leave names and identifying info out of it.
It would undoubtedly be more of a violation to tell a friend private details of a sexual encounter with someone they personally know than it would be to tell them about what happened with a total stranger. So if you really need to talk about a hookup with a mutual friend, it’s probably better to find someone else to talk to about it.
It’s one thing to tell your bestie all the details about a casual hookup, and it’s another thing altogether to have them know all the ins and outs (literally) about your long-term partner. So if the hookup has the potential of being in your life for longer than just one night, it may actually get awkward for you later if your friends know too much. Not to mention how your partner would feel.
As you ponder the ethical side of this question, it may be instructive to consider how you would feel if the hookup in question was at brunch with their friends dishing about your vulva or any other part of your body for that matter. Doesn’t feel great? Then perhaps you’ve got your answer. Even if it would be totally fine with you, that doesn’t mean it would be totally fine with them.
If you want to enjoy a truly ethical kiss and tell, there’s only one path forward, and it’s explicit consent. Ask them how they feel about sharing private details with friends and get on the same page before you do.
P.S. Lacking in D to dish about? Here are some tips for how to date while social distancing.