How To Build Stable Relationships With Emotional Permanence

What Is Emotional Impermanence or Emotional Permanence Deficit?

Emotional permanence deficit is when a person cannot understand or appreciate an emotion if they are not actively experiencing that emotion.

It refers to the belief that your emotions, positive or negative, are temporary and will pass.

So, a person who lacks emotional permanence cannot feel what happiness is unless they are happy in the moment.

These people know that they have experienced a particular emotion several times in the past. They may even explain what symptoms people exhibit when they have that emotion.

But they find it difficult to describe how it feels to go through that emotion themselves.

So, if such a person is sad, they continue feeling sad because they cannot recall how the many shades of happiness and joy felt.

Most such people have an anxious attachment style, borderline personality disorder (BPD), bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Those with borderline personality disorder can often be seen struggling to try to recall a loved one without them being present or without them assuring them.

They can feel unloved or abandoned when they are not with their friend or partner physically.

Strange Effects of Emotional Permanence Deficit

A lack of emotional permanence causes two strange things:

1. Unable to understand the presence of two opposing emotions.

First, they cannot reconcile with the fact that a person close to them can love them and still be angry with them sometimes.

Perhaps because they drove home instead of getting a cab while drunk. Now, when she’s angry at him, he might think, “She can be angry at me because she doesn’t love me.”

They may find it difficult to revisit or reflect upon the tender emotions that their loved one has for them while they are angry at the person lacking emotional permanence.

2. Repeating the cycle of need for reassurance and urge for rejection.

Second, these people ultimately wear off the constant validation of the other person’s love which they need in the first place. Their minds begin to reject the reassurances after receiving them a certain number of times.

Now, since they cannot recreate the feeling on their own, they feel unloved once again, and start craving validation again.

This creates a cycle of reassurance and rejection of the other person’s validation.

This behavior can be traced to a fear of abandonment instilled in early childhood. It can create relationship issues like clinginess and neediness to numbness and isolation to avoidance and sabotage.

Signs of Emotional Permanence Deficit

Overall, people with emotional performance deficits have problems maintaining stable relationships.

1. They seek constant validation and reassurance.
2. They get caught in extreme emotional turmoils.
3. They have difficulty regulating their emotions.
4. They cannot remember feeling good when being sad.
5. They cannot understand that two emotions can exist simultaneously.

How To Develop Emotional Permanence (And Deal With Emotional Permanence Deficit)

Here are some helpful ways to cultivate our emotional permanence:

1. Self-assurance: It is okay to ask sometimes, “Do you care about me?” But remember, your value does not always need validation from others. You can assure yourself too.

Assure yourself with these,

• “I made a mistake because I’m not perfect. It does not mean I am unlovable.”
• “They may be angry at me, and saying harsh things, but they still do love me.”
• “They may need to be away from me for some time, but they will not leave me. So, I don’t have to be afraid now.”

2. Mindfulness: A regular mindfulness practice increases our awareness of our thoughts and feelings, allowing us to approach unhelpful thoughts in a more balanced way.

3. Reframing: Reframing negative thoughts and emotions can help us see our negative thoughts in an objective or even in a positive way, thereby minimizing their impact.

4. Self-reflection: Regular self-reflection allows us to gain insight into our emotions and thought patterns, thus allowing us a better awareness of our own emotional landscape.

5. Gratitude: Practicing gratitude helps us in focusing on the positive things we have in our lives, rather than craving for things we don’t have, thereby decreasing the impact of unpleasant emotions.

See a mental health therapist. If you feel overwhelmed, seek the advice of a mental health therapist. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

What Are The Benefits of Cultivating Emotional Permanence?

There are several benefits to cultivating emotional permanence:

1. Increased emotional stability: By viewing emotions as temporary, individuals are less likely to become overly invested in their feelings, leading to increased emotional stability.
2. Improved relationships: Emotional permanence promotes a more balanced approach to relationships, allowing individuals to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts in a healthy way.
3. Better decision-making: When individuals are not ruled by their emotions, they are better able to make rational decisions based on logic and reason.
4. Increased resilience: The ability to bounce back from life’s challenges is at the heart of emotional resilience, and emotional permanence is a key component of emotional stability and resilience.
5. Better Mental Health: Cultivating emotional permanence can have a positive impact on our mental well-being. When we are good at regulating our emotions, we are less likely to have symptoms of depression and anxiety. Growing it can also build a strong foundation for personal growth and success.

FAQs

Narcissists lack object constancy and whole-object relations, which means they cannot form a stable, realistic, and nuanced view of others.

The lack of these two together makes a narcissist fluctuate between devaluing and idealizing themselves and others.

So, when narcissists are away from their partners, they may feel a total emotional disconnect from them.

A short absence may signal total abandonment to them. It is not just a phenomenon of out of sight and out of mind, but also out of the heart.